Age is Only a Number, Just Like Herpes is Only Cold Sore, The Musings of a Gay Man & Middle Age

Getting older can be hard, especially if you celebrating a mile stone birthday. This is my tongue & cheek way of dealing.

Gay Men over 35, raise your hand if you’ve heard this one, “No one over 30,” or “if you’re old enough to be my father I’m not interested,” then there’s the classic “old dudes don’t even try it.” These are just some of the profiles seen on Grindr or Scruff any other gay “dating” app out there. People are attracted to who they’re attracted too, but blatantly dismissing someone just because of age is not only hurtful, it makes you an asshole. Besides ‘old’ is relative, what’s old to someone might not be old to another. 

Playing devils advocate for a minute, yes there are creepy older guys out there that troll younger guys for whatever reason. In a lot of cases if the older guy has money that would be an incentive for younger gentleman to date someone older. Besides, when an older guy is with a younger guy it can help them keep ties to their own youth thus easing their own insecurities about getting older. That older gentleman will then turn into the ever mythical ‘sugar daddy.’ Trust me they are real. Having a sugar daddy was never my thing, but I never judged the guys I knew who had one. In other cases the older guy is just a perv and he’s trying to live out some weird daddy son fantasy to fill the void his emotionless alcoholic father left imprinted on his psyche. But that’s a whole other blog, today I want to talk about agism, gay men and getting older in what some might say is a community that’s obsessed with youth and looks. 

John M. Livelsberger, Photo by Martin Navejas

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a subject that’s easy for me to talk about, I’m just trying to put my best foot forward. I look in the rear view mirror and I see my own mortality catching up to me faster then scared suburban Evangelicals running into the arms of white Jesus or Mike Pence, who I assume are the same person. Kind of like Superman and Clark Kent they’ve never been seen in the same room together. 

My biggest worry about aging? I worry about who’s going to run my Facebook page when I’m gone? Which is a sick thought in the first place. Most people worry about the legacy they are leaving behind, but all I can think about is if the person posting under my name is still sharing edgy borderline offensive posts that will either piss off Republican’s, Evangelicals, or my mom. If you can piss off all three at the same time you get bonus points. 

Apparently, and no one really told me, this aging thing happens to everyone, even aged obsessed gay guys. Some of these “men” don’t emotionally mature past the age of 20 maybe 25, 30 if they are lucky. We’re out at the clubs, at the gym, or on Grindr jumping from bed to bed or in relationships for a very short time. You do the walk of shame exiting the bath house at 7am coming down from molly, coke, weed, or whatever drug your disco pharmacologist prescribed to you the night before. Then without warning it dawns on you that today is your 40th birthday. You think to yourself, “I was only 25 when I checked in last night. What the hell, how long was I in there?” 

Where does the time go? I look in the mirror and I’m lucky I guess, I still recognize myself. I really have no wrinkles. My hair is pretty much the same. I’m not balding, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Bald guys are hot. I keep in pretty good shape and I’ve been told that I look like I’m in my mid-thirties and I should be able to tell people that I’m in my mid-thirties. I mean what’s the point of looking like you’re in your thirties if you can’t lie about your age? Except for the fact that my husband who never seems to age outed me to everyone. Even though he’s as insecure about his age as I am mine, he’s much better at dealing with the reality of age and much more mature about it. Also, our daughter is 27. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not above dragging her into my vain and narcissistic illusion that I’m still in my thirties. I’m not proud, I’d totally throw $50 bucks at her to tell people she’s my sister.

John M. Livelsberger, Photo by Martin Navejas

Would you believe that there are people out there that don’t have a problem admitting how old they really are? These people will proudly tell anyone who asks them, they’re called lesbians. Since the Hubz outed me our lesbian friends along with everyone else we know, knows my real age, so when I try to lie about it they go after me faster then free tickets to an Indigo Girls concert. Thankfully, the lesbians in our group of friends are also environmentalists, so at the point when we are all at the bar together and I’m getting the lecture on how gay men can be so self serving and age obsessed I put a plastic straw in a nearby cocktail and watch all hell break loose. Soon my age is all but forgotten as I watch them berate the guy who suddenly found a plastic straw in his drink. I almost feel sorry for the poor bastard as he’s told that because he’s using a plastic straw he’ll usher in the end of days, but just to make it look good I join in on the berating. I mean what’s my age matter if we’re all gonna die anyway. 

I’m part of a coven of catty gay men, we tease each other incessantly. The teasing is out of fun and camaraderie, we laugh at ourselves as much as each other, never taking it so far that it’s insulting or hurtful. Among various other things we tease each other about our ages. Most of us are in our thirties and forties, some of our friends are in their twenties and sixties, so our group isn’t agist or anything else. Basically, if you want to be our friend just don’t be an asshole and know how to take a joke. Some gay men are so superficial, to be part of their lives you need a great body, money, nice things, and an attitude that’s a combination of bitchy queen and vacant cheerleader. These are the guys that have the hardest time realizing the party is coming to an end and not knowing who they are because that is how they’ve defined themselves since their twenties. All the sudden they are on the other side of Grindr reading the profile that says if you’re over 30 don’t even try it. 

John M. Livelsberger, Photo Facebook

Staying relevant in an ever changing social media and technological landscape can be a challenge, it’s easy to feel old when you remember when refrigerators didn’t have TVs on the door and you know how to dial a rotary phone. When I was a kid I promised myself that technology would never be a stranger to me. I also promised myself I would know the difference between getting old and getting older and the difference between being alone and being lonely. Sadly some of us are so busy being superficial, living out the never ending party, always being careful to never get to close to anyone and looking for that next good time, we wake up one day realizing that our lives have suddenly passed us by. Middle age has set in and lot of gay men find themselves old and very lonely. I used to work with this older gay gentleman when I was a bartender in fine dining. His name was Walter and he was about three days older than God and so incredibly bitter that he hated just about everyone, especially other gay men who were happy. Years later my husband and I went to that particular restaurant for a cocktail. I had put my arm around my him, nothing lewd I mean it’s not like I shoved my tongue in his mouth, just my arm around his shoulder. I could hear Walter snarl from behind the waiters station, “hummmph, this IS NOT San Francisco.” I think Walter is dead now, I know for a fact he’s been dead on the inside for years. 

So, Monday November 4th is my birthday and instead of celebrating my 38th birthday for the 10th year in a row I’m going to celebrate my 50th. I was born at the tail end of 1969, the same year as the Stonewall Riots, the moon landing, and Sean Hayes (Jack) from “Will & Grace” was born. For some reason that makes me feel kind of empowered. I’m a proud part of Generation X. We’re Right in the middle of Boomers and Millennials. We’re the generation with a sense of humor and a sense of irony. We take things just seriously enough but have no issue telling the over sensitive or the over reactive to get over themselves and sarcasm is our weapon of choice. 

John M. Livelsberger, Photo by Martin Navejas

My secret to staying young? I keep laughing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my heart broken so bad I never thought I’d laugh again and family disfunction so messed up it makes the Manson Family look like the Brady’s. The dysfunctional family dynamic and toxic people that used to be in my life should have made me feel ‘old’ years ago, but that’s not who I am. I don’t let the hurtful things that life can throw at a person or my sexuality define me, so I’m sure as hell not going to let my age do that. Just like those other things, my age is only a small part of who I am. So, if you’re a gay man or anyone for that matter and you’re feeling your mortality here’s what I do. I laugh a lot and I find humor in the absurdity of life. I also find humor in myself, don’t ever be afraid to laugh at yourself, no one is perfect and sometimes we do dumb shit that’s funny. Surround yourself with good friends, but make it friends that will tell you like it is, not what you want to hear. Embrace your sexuality. Just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean you can’t sneak off when you’re at a boring dinner party and shag your husband or a guy you just met at said dinner party in Phyllis’ walk in closet. So you got a little cum on her Louis Vuitton Call Back Pumps. Phyllis has always been kind of a bitch anyway and besides she throws boring dinner parties. Remember to always embrace your youth because just like your inner child it will aways be there.

Stay young my friends and let me leave you with a parting piece of advice from someone far wiser than myself.

“Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. But I rather believe time is a companion who goes with us on the journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment because they’ll never come again. What we leave behind is not as important how we lived.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard, USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-D.

Undetectable = Un-transmittable, Getting Over the Stigma of HIV

Recently I was asked if I was still single would date I someone who was HIV positive but undetectable. My answer was a resounding yes. If the chemistry were there and I loved that person I would date them if they were undetectable or detectable. I don’t usually write articles about HIV/AIDS, I leave that to our columnist Danial Ashely Williams, since he is HIV positive he has a perspective that I don’t. In this case maybe as someone who is HIV negative, I should share my perspective on dating someone who is HIV positive. All though there is no real cure yet, drug advancements have come so far that with daily treatment HIV can become undetectable in the body and undetectable means un-transmittable, that means you can’t pass on the virus through sex. NOW, don’t get me wrong I’m not saying not use a condom, that is a personal choice. I’m just saying HIV can’t be transmitted to a sexual partner if it’s undetectable in the system. That being said, what do we have to do as a community to make the stigma of HIV undetectable and un-transmittable?

The AIDS epidemic during the 80’s and early 90’s wiped out whole communities. Major Cities like New York, San Fransisco, L.A., and Chicago were not the only places devastated by the virus. The gay community in smaller cities in the mid-west were all but wiped out. Calumet City IL for example. Cal City had a thriving LGBTQ community. Now there’s just a gay bar or two left and the community has never fully recovered. All around the globe, gay or not the world lost potential artists, entertainers, scientists, doctors and people lost loved ones. What if we lost the person who could have actually cured this disease.

Now with the advancements in drug therapy the healing has started, at least for the people who are HIV positive. They have a new lease on life and yes of course the potential that they MIGHT develop AIDS will alway be in the back of their minds, but at least now they have hope. They have the hope that they will live a long normal life and the hope that they will maybe date, fall in love, Netflix and chill on a Sunday afternoon with someone. In the 80’s and early 90’s hope was a luxury that a lot of gay men couldn’t afford.

Life returns to semi-normal if you don’t count the expense of the drug costs and the daily doses of medications, these are things that become routine. Now that HIV positive gay men are living longer what do they hope for now. Obviously I can’t speak for all of them or really any of them, but I imagine that some of them want a heathy dating life. Some may want to find a boyfriend settle down get married get that house with a white picket fence, maybe have a couple of kids and a dog. Live the “American Dream,” but I bet for SOME HIV positive men it’s hard for them to even try.

How many times has someone who’s undetectable started to get close with THAT guy? That crush from the office or the guy who stands next to you in line at Starbucks every morning. That guy you’re finally making a real connection with. The innocent flirting and the unmistakeable chemistry, not being able to concentrate because THAT guy is on your mind all the time. He’s sending all the right singles and admits that he feels the same way. You go on the date you’ve been waiting to go on with THAT guy. The flirting gets to that next level and you finally gather up the courage and tell him you’re HIV positive but undetectable, he pretends not to be taken aback, but you see it in his eyes. You finish your date on a positive note yet he declines the offer to come back to your place claiming he has an early day tomorrow. The next day you don’t hear from him, then three days go by then five. You don’t see him at Starbucks anymore. He doesn’t return your texts, but you knew all along he wouldn’t. You’ve been ghosted, and it fucking hurts like a symptom of the disease you don’t even have.

Look I get it, people get scared. HIV/AIDS has wrecked havoc on a community struggling for acceptance and just when it was starting to happen gay men started dying. The Reagan Administration did nothing at the time to address the epidemic and wouldn’t even utter the word “AIDS.” Lack of response or even acknowledgement from the Reagan White House only made the sigma of HIV/AIDS worse. Like a lot of people I lived through that time. As a teenager in the 1980’s who was growing up in a town so small we only had one traffic light, I automatically thought being gay was a death sentence. I fought my sexual identity until I couldn’t anymore. It was a fight with myself I’m glad I lost. Now there’s another fight happening, the fight to rid this community of the stigma of HIV.

In plain simple terms everyone can understand, if someone’s viral load is undetectable in their bloodstream then they are NOT able to transfer HIV to sexual partners. If you are one of those gay guys that have an issue with HIV positive guys get the fuck over it. They are just as much a part of the LGBTQ community as anyone else and just like our trans brothers and sisters or that kid who has been shunned by his family for coming out or any other person in this beautiful and tough community that we live in all HIV positive individuals need support from us all. HIV positive individuals also need the encouragement that we give everyone else in this community to live their truth.

The best weapon we had during the hight of the AIDS epidemic was education. People had to educate themselves that they couldn’t get AIDS from a toilet seat or drinking out of the same glass or even a kiss. Education is essential. I dated someone once who had cerebral palsy, I read up on what it was and how and what to expect and how to deal with certain things IF they came up, which they didn’t. If you get asked out by a guy who is HIV positive and he’s undetectable educate yourself on what that is and what to expect. Do it for yourself especially if you like him. But, even after everything that I’ve said if you still have an issue and you don’t want to go out with a person who has HIV, don’t ghost them. Have the courage to admit that you just don’t have any courage, it’s the least they deserve. Besides people living with HIV are forced to be brave everyday even when they don’t want to be, they deserve friends and lovers that are as brave as they are.

JD Ford Indiana’s First Openly Gay State Senator Makes History

Newly elected state senator JD Ford and incumbent Mike DelphCarmel, IN- Openly gay Democrat JD Ford beat Mike Delph in a contentious race for state senator for Indiana’s 29th district. In 2014 Delph supported an amendment to the Indiana constitution defining marriage between one man and one woman. This is the second time Ford had ran against Senator Delph narrowly losing to the hard line conservative four years ago. 

Ford made history becoming Indiana’s first openly gay law maker elected to Indiana’s General Assembly. In his victory speech from the downtown Indianapolis Hyatt Ford said, “I just want to pause for a second to appreciate the historical significance that has happened tonight. Tonight, I become Indiana’s first openly gay lawmaker. Ladies and gentlemen, we just made history and no one can take that from us.” Ford ran what some people would call an unapologetic progressive campaign that advocated raising the minimum wage, environmental protections, fighting the opioid crisis, and passing hate crimes legislation that protects gender identity and sexual orientation. Senator Delph has long opposed hate crimes legislation. Indiana is one of five states without a hate crime law on the books.  

Ford’s promised to give and amplify the voices of every marginalized group of people in the state of Indiana which includes “people of color, women, Muslims, Jewish Hoosiers, seniors, LBTQ+ Hoosiers just to name a few.”  Local Indianapolis LGBT rights advocate Annette Gross praises Ford for his hard fought victory, “As a resident of State Senate District 29, I am thrilled that we finally have representation for ALL Hoosiers in this district. I watched first-hand as Mike Delph strove to deny same-sex couples the ability to share their lives together legally. In particular, he supports passage of Hate Crime Bill which will offer protections for all marginalized groups. We are finally living under a rainbow in Indiana.” Delph, a hard line social conservative often was perceived as a polarizing figure even among members of his own party. At one point Delph was disciplined by Indiana Senate President Pro Tempore David Long for public criticism of the Indiana General Assembly failing to pass the amendment to the Indiana constitution, known as HJR-3 which would have made marriage equality illegal in the state.

This time around Ford had the endorsement of the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce and a much bigger ‘war chest’ then he had four years ago beating Delph with 53% of the vote. District 29 includes parts of Carmel, Indianapolis and Zionsville. 

 

Drag Event as Political Fundraiser Causes Controversy in Fort Wayne

Candidate for Indiana’s 3rd district Courtney Tritch. Photo: Twitter

FORT WAYNE, IN-On Saturday September 2, 2018 After Dark Nightclub hosted a fundraiser billed on Facebook as “The Queens’s Court: Campaigning is a DRAG,” for Courtney Tritch who is running for US Representative of Indiana’s 3rd District. Ms. Tritch joined drag queen Della Licious on stage and gave a brief speech. During her time in the spotlight Ms. Tritch accepted cash donations from audience members and danced with Ms. Licious as she performed. Now “The Journal Gazette” is reporting that Ms. Tritch’s Republican opponent Rep. Jim Banks is now threating to report his Democratic rival for violating FEC (Federal Election Commission) rules.

After Dark’s Della Licious Photo: Facebook

A video of the event posted on YouTube clearly shows Ms. Tritch accepting tips as campaign donations. (You can see when Ms. Tritch takes the stage at the 21:30 mark). Incumbent Jim Banks’ campaign is now demanding Ms. Tritch, who is a staunch supporter of LGBTQ rights in Indiana, issue an apology to families of Indiana’s 3rd district and is insisting that Ms. Tritch violated FEC rules by not reporting the ‘tips’ that she accepted as campaign donations. According to a statement issued by Mr. Bank’s campaign manager, “Not only is this video deeply disturbing and offensive but it clearly shows Democrat Courtney Tritch illegally accepting undocumented cash campaign donations while she dances on stage with a drag queen. We are exploring FEC violations and looking at filing a complaint. In the meantime, Ms. Tritch may want to consider apologizing for this charade to the northeastern Indiana families she’s campaigning to represent.” But according to FEC rules only campaign donations from individuals of $50 or more are required to be reported and the Tritch campaign insists no rules were broken and has issued a statement through her campaign manager David Myles, “What is disturbing though is the clear homophobia demonstrated by Rep. Banks. In asking for an apology to the families of the 3rd district, he is stating that the LGBTQ community is excluded from his idea as a family.”

Rep. Jim Banks Photo: Facebook

Rep. Jim Banks has a history of anti-LGBTQ views which are public record. Rep. Banks campaign website notes that he was awarded the “True Blue” award by the the Family Research Council. The Family Research Council has been listed as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Rep. Banks also opposed changing the language in the Indiana Republicans Party’s platform that would have made the Indiana’s Republican Party more inclusive to the LGBTQ community and continues to support one man one woman marriage as well as businesses that discriminate against the LGBTQ community by refusing service.

After the LGBTQ news magazine “The Advocate” ran a story of the incident, Ms. Tritch addressed the controversy in a Facebook post, “Thank you to ‘The Advocate’ magazine for bringing international attention to Rep. Banks’ clear homophobia, as well as his unwillingness to actually discuss the issues that matter to all voters in Indiana’s 3rd District.” After several requests and initially stating that he would, Rep. Banks still refuses to publicly debate Ms. Tritch.

Get Over It

So it was mentioned to me on Friday that a local radio station was having a discussion with their listeners on why we need a PRIDE Festival or more specifically why we shouldn’t have one. Just this morning before it was deleted on a local Michigan City community Facebook page someone said they didn’t understand why ‘you people’ needed a PRIDE Fest.                         

Jeanne Manford founder of the support group that would eventually become PFLAG marching in an early gay pride parade.

Here’s the deal, Michigan City has always had a large LGBT community. This community pays taxes here, spends money here, and CHOOSES to live here. NOT Chicago or Indianapolis or other big city with a ‘gay neighborhood’ but here. In fact I got news for you haters the WHOLE city is a gay neighborhood. I can’t swing a stick and not hit a LGBT person in my community. The LGBT community in Michigan City is no longer sitting on sidelines. Also we are no longer going to someone else’s city to celebrate PRIDE and why should we have to?

A more unified LGBT community is what I envisioned three years ago when I started OUT in Michigan City. Our Facebook page and eventually our website was started after my husband and I attended a RFRA protest march in Indianapolis and we witnessed first hand what a united LGBT community could accomplish. I wanted the same thing  here and now it seems we are heading in that direction. As of this writing OUT in Michigan City had 1095 ‘likes’ and followers so we must be reaching a few people in Michigan City and the surrounding communities.  

Honestly when I started our page and website I thought I was alone, but thankfully I’m not. Other like minded people have started their own projects like the La Porte county LGBTQ Alliance or the LGBT support group at the high school. The local PFLAG chapter here offers support to parents of gay, trans, bi, and questioning people and to any queer person in need of support. Real support for real people in need.

One of the things that attracted me and my husband to this city was it’s diverseness and inclusiveness, Michigan City for at least in the time I’ve been here, has been a haven for people from all different walks of life and for that I am thankful. I’m also thankful for the unwavering support that the PRIDE Fest  Committee has received from The City of Michigan City.

Since we started the process of planning the PRIDE Fest I’ve been expecting a little blow back, but at less then a month before the event all I have to say is what took so long? For those of you though who ultimately just don’t get it. For those of you who have never had the word ‘fag’ screamed at you from a coward in a moving car as you are trying to carry groceries into your apartment. To those straight guys out there who have never been fired from a job simply because you are gay or had to suffer from any sort of disrespect or discrimination, yet you have the  audacity to ask “Why can’t we have a straight Pride parade?” To those of you who just don’t like us, I’ll put it in a way you will understand in a terms used since the first gay PRIDE parades dating back to the 1970’s….

WE’RE HERE! WE’RE QUEER! GET OVER IT!

And that my friends is my view from the other side of the lake.

Michigan City PRIDE Fest is June 30th 2018 at 121 W. Michigan Blvd (Next to City Hall) in Michigan City’s historic Uptown Arts District

The Teacher in Me

Transgender Rights activist, teacher and founder of T.R.E.E.S. Meghan Buell

I grew up, quite a many years ago, in an educator’s household. My dad was in public education for 40 years. When I was young I was pretty much indifferent to my dad being an educator. I did try my best to take advantage of visiting “his” school when he was the Principal because it usually meant a visit to the office supply room. That was my super store of pencils, folders and notebooks. Just to clarify, my dad would pay for the items. So, my dad being an educator was kind of cool. I never envisioned that one day I, too, would be an educator.

I teach all the time. My “classroom” differs often. Much of the time it isn’t even in a school building. In reality, I consider the world as my classroom. This is so because every day I step out of my house I have an opportunity to teach someone something about me. Most times, it is transgender related because I live as an out and proud transgender woman. I am, for the most part, okay with this. I mean, I run a nonprofit organization that specializes in transgender education, so I am kind of destined to teach when I am engaging folks. My educator’s DNA comes in handy. But this is far from the only teaching I do.

In my spare time I work as a Substitute Teacher in a public school system. Yes, school systems do hire trans teachers, well, at least my hometown’s school system does. Being a Sub is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of patience, empathy, quick thinking, and perseverance. As a trans person in education I have found that I fare well for having thick skin, selective hearing and a sense of humor. You might ask why these would be necessary. Here are some examples of my experiences where this has been required.

Thick Skin: Kindergarten.
Boy: Are you a girl?
Me: Yes
Boy: I don’t see it.
Me: Well, I am.
Boy: What about your voice?
Me: I have a deep voice.
Boy: I’m not buying it.
Me: Back to work

Selective Hearing: An Indiana “liberty” organization
Them: This “man” (me) should be spending more time teaching math, English and science instead of spreading their sexual identity to second graders.
My employer: We’re good. Thanks
Me from afar: Did someone say something? Lol

Sense of Humor: 2nd Grade
Student: Miss Meghan, can I ask you a question
Me: Sure
Student: Are you a boy or a girl?
Me: A girl
Student: Oh, but why do you have a boy voice?
Me: I don’t have a boy voice. I have a deep voice.
Student: Have you tried a cough drop?
Me: I’ll have to give that a try. Thanks.

Life as an educator. Thanks, dad.

Growing Older, Will and Gracefully

The cast of “Will & Grace,” from left to right, Megan Mullally, Eric McCormack, Debra Messing, and Sean Hayes

Last Thursday four old friends dropped by our place. We haven’t seen each other in over a decade, and as with true friends who grow out of touch for a long period of time we managed to pick up right where we left off. They stayed for about 20 minutes more or less not counting commercial interruptions.

In the late 1990’s I had discovered a little TV show called Will & Grace very much by accident. I was channel surfing and stopped on the show because I thought Sean Hayes, who plays the character Jack McFarland was cute. Within five minutes I realized I was watching a sitcom that featured gay leading characters. This apparently was on purpose, color me impressed. At that time in my life I was in my 20’s. I knew I was gay but I didn’t know how to come out and live openly. As Jack said to Will when he was struggling to “come out” on the show, “You bought the short shorts but you’re afraid to wear them.” I not only bought the short shorts I bought the glittery disco ball shirt and matching jock strap, the hard part was putting them on. Eventually I put them on, then I changed into something more sensible.

To encourage people to vote in the 2016 general election the creators of Will & Grace Max Mutchnick and David Kohan brought the original cast back together for a YouTube election special simply titled “Vote Honey.”  That 10 minute video with over seven million views proved so successful that NBC ordered a ninth season of the show after it had been off the air for 11 years. On September 14, 2017, Brooks Barnes wrote for the The New York Times   “ Will & Grace Is Back. Will It’s Portrait of Gay Life Hold Up?” Barnes addresses the pros and cons of bringing back this often, at times, politically incorrect sit-com in what he calls “the age of hate.” Eric Marcus, a historian who helms the podcast “Making Gay History,” said of the revival that the “world had moved on” and goes on to say, “I’m left wondering what story lines these characters can possibly explore as middle-aged people that will seem as fresh as the original series.”

Let me answer that question by saying that there are lot’s of story lines that these characters can explore that are fresh and exciting. As a gay man in my 40’s my life is different then it was in my 20’s & 30’s but my life is still exciting and fun and as gay men who are aging with grace (one hopes) we have a whole new set of problems to explore. From the fears that some of us have about growing older to breaking up and finding oneself single and in mid-life. Then there’s the subject of dating much younger guys, that in itself is comedy gold. Or two gay men living in a actual marriage, something that’s either very comforting or very terrifying depending on the couple.

We find with being older and being married that it’s not so easy to break up with someone for shallow reasons or when they annoy us. Just because someone did something annoying like leaving their clipped toe nails in the bathroom sink or if you want to get it on with that twink you met while cruising him in the produce department of Meijer. You remember the one, you thought if you pretended to be vegan you might somehow magically end up back at his place and without your husband finding out. There is actual divorce now and real consequences for being an idiot in a relationship (believe me I know) like the splitting of assets. It’s terrifying to think who would get custody of the iTunes account. Would one of the ex-husbands have to re-purchase everything in it?  These are just some of the ridiculous scenarios that we face as older gay men and are perfect fodder for a sitcom.

In the late 1990’s and early 2000’s Will & Grace showed those of us living in the mid-west that it was okay to be who and what we were, and they did it in prime-time on the night of the week when America was watching TV the most. I mean lets face it, Thursday’s were called “Must see TV” for a reason. They showed us we can be fun, flamboyant, laid back, and outrageous. Now 11 years later Will, Grace, Jack and Karen are still showing us that we can be all of those things no matter how old we are.

That my friends is my view from the other side of the lake, October 5th, 2017.

New episodes of ‘Will & Grace’ can be seen Thursday nights starting at 9 Eastern/8 Central Time on NBC. 

 

WHAT THE F*CK, DIFFUSER?

Depeche Mode “101”

So, yesterday, I’m minding my own fucking business when my friend Tony sends me a link. Seems innocent enough, so I open it up. It is from the website diffuser.fm and is entitled, “Depeche Mode Albums Ranked in Order of Awesomeness.”
Okay. Already, my hackles have risen because I know somehow I’m going to be pissed off. I mean, I was enjoying a perfectly good cup of coffee and ignoring work altogether by focusing on my Facebook threads or whatever it is that I do between eight and nine am. But now… well, fuck. Now, I had to focus on THIS.
So, the list starts off backward, first of all, with number 15. I can’t… I just… I don’t understand a countdown that starts off in the wrong direction. I understand what they are doing, you know? Trying to do the classic “build-up” to the grand finale or whatever the fuck, but now you’ve just made me angry. Of course, now I’m frantically flipping through the goddamned thumbnails to see what they’ve listed as the number one album “ranked in order of awesomeness.”

And thank God, they’ve at least got that right. They pick Violator.
Aaaand… that’s where it stops.
You see, Violator is the best record that Depeche Mode has ever made. Of course, this is also just my opinion. You are welcome to say fuck off and go back to whatever Sudoku puzzle it is that you were struggling with, but it’s a solid album and I’m sticking by my choice. As a matter of fact, “Halo” is my favorite DM track and therefore wins based on that fact alone. Funny thing is, some of Depeche Mode’s biggest hits came from that record and coincidentally are some of my least favorite songs, but… I’ll still stand behind that record as being the strongest… and we move on.
This is where it gets sticky.
And where the title of my latest blogpost comes into play.
What the fuck, Diffuser?

Playing the Angel? Okay… deep breaths. But, alright… um, we are choosing Playing the Angel as your number two choice? Breathing, breathing. “A Pain That I’m Used To” is a decent track. Uh… “John the Revelator” is good. “Suffer Well” is even pretty great, but… listen, okay? These are all good. But number fucking two? Come on, man. You are REACHING with your little ‘has a wobbly uncertainty that keeps the listener wondering…’ wah wah wah, go fuck yourself.
Whoa. Okay. I need a sip of some soda. And maybe the good stuff… with like real sugar and shit.
Moving on.

Depeche Mode in 1990, Alan Wilder, Martin Gore, Andy Fletcher, and Dave Gahan.

Their third choice is Songs of Faith and Devotion. Uh… alright. Well, it may not have been my number three, but maybe a solid number four? So, alright. I’m not completely upset. This record at least has some fuckable moments. What I mean by that is that it’s on the fuckworthy chart of fuckable albums. Take Music for the Masses, for instance. Well, there are like at least twenty lose-your-virginity moments. Therefore, you put that record in the top five of DM records. There is a reason that Dave Gahan was chosen as their lead singer; it was not for his ability to grow a goatee. It was because he makes songs that kind of make you want to take your pants off… like FAST. Songs of Faith and Devotion has a few tracks that made me rethink PVC pants in the early 90s—that’s all.

Number four? Okay, here we go. Music for the Masses. Now, I would have bumped this one up to number three, but… it’s not MY list. Number four is manageable. I’ve forgiven you with a quick handy, Diffuser.

And then, well… here’s where I think. Maybe they really think this is a top five record, and Lord KNOWS I’ve listened to it a lot, so I really can’t be upset, so… here goes. Some Great Reward. That’s their number five. I’ve listened to it (and namely “Somebody”) more times than I care to admit, but I don’t know. I’m not mad, per se, but I still feel a little bitten by their number two. Am I just holding on to bitterness from their earlier choice? Maybe so. You know what, I’ll let this one go because “Blasphemous Rumors” is a great fucking song and even if this is kind of a singles record, I’ll let it go. Painfully.

Their number six is solid, although here’s the fucking deal. My number two would have been Black Celebration aaaaaand we have yet to see it on this goddamned list. Now, their number six is Ultra, which might have been my number six too, but we would have had to kick out some of these other cocksucking motherfu… okay, and I’m breathing again. Regardless, deep breath, number six… Ultra.

Okay. Their number seven. Black Celebration. Clearly, this list was made by a fucking amateur. Number two, rookie!

Exciter. I think I’ve listened to this like four times. Depeche Mode fans don’t even remember this album. Okay, maybe I’m wrong, but it’s the one that all of us bought, but it just takes up space in the catalog just to fill it out and make sure that it’s complete. I mean, you can’t just STOP buying the records because one of them sucks a sticky ball sac, can you?

Aaaand then the new one. Spirit. I’ve got to say. I kind of hate this one. And I’m a diehard fan. Been a fan for as long as I can remember. Wore a DM shirt in my seventh grade school photo along with the Martin Gore hair flip to match. But, had they made this record in 1984 instead of 2017, I would have worn a U2 shirt instead. Fuck this record and the weirdest song they’ve ever made. Don’t trust me? Go listen to it. It’s called “Fail.” I wonder if at some point, Martin will tell Dave, “I have this great idea for a song… AND I want to do the vocals,” and Dave says back, “No, Martin, I think it’s time I tell you that it’s over. Your run is done.” So far, Dave hasn’t had the balls. And we are ALL suffering for it.

After this, it’s just a bunch of the old ones. Basically, Speak/Spell, Broken Frame, Construction Time, yada yada, with a few crappy new ones thrown in for good measure… you know… the new ones that no one can suffer through (Delta Machine/ Sounds Universe).

If it were my list (and it’s not), it would have gone a little something like this:

Violator, Celebration, Masses, Faith/Devotion, and… alright, looking back, I’ll go with their number five, SGR.

All in all, Diffuser, you did alright at the end, but I feel like I kind of wanted to unfriend you for a while there with that whole PTA thing. I will give you one thing. “Precious” is kind of bad ass. Maybe we can be friends on the weekends, as long as we keep it on the down low.

XOXO.

Charlie

Charlie Winters is a best selling author of gay fiction from Indianapolis and you can find his latest book “Aki & Jamie” at Amazon.com and the Kindle store. 

Changing meds

Daniel Ashley Williams

On average a person living with HIV will visit their doctor and have Labs drawn every three months. This is done to determine not only the effectiveness of the antiretroviral drug combination on the HIV virus itself but also how they’re affecting your body. This is an important process in the treatment for people who are living HIV.

Some of the labs performed from the blood and urine collected:  A CD4 count measures how many CD4 cells are in your blood. The higher your CD4 cell count, the healthier your immune system.  CD4 Percentage: This measures how many of your white blood cells are actually CD4 cells. This measurement is more stable than CD4 counts over a long period of time Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) Screening: These screening tests check for syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia.

Not only are Labs important but taking your daily regiment religiously is most important to ones health.

Four months or so now I have been taking Tivicay plus Descovy. Before that I was taking Tivicay plus Truvada. Which I had switch to from Complera and before that many many years on Atripla. Atripla was the first antiretroviral drug I was put on and I never liked it had  many unpleasant side effects that made me feel sick to my stomach, have bad dreams, and feel hung over every morning. Back when I was diagnosed HIV positive, I didn’t start meds right away. At the time guidelines recommended treatment using thresholds based on a person’s CD4 count. Now, current guidelines recommended by The World Health Organization recommends treatment be given to people with HIV as soon as possible following diagnosis.

I switched to Descovy because it’s supposed to be less harmful on my kidneys. It seems to be working fine. After seeing the doctor after being on the new medicine she agreed it was working and felt like it was a good move to change meds. I still have a undetectable viral load.

While talking to a friend, who is also HIV positive, we discussed the fact that Descovy had replaced Truvada. Then he asked why I was mutating? I had to explain to him that it was the newer version of Truvada and switching meds address’ long-term health needs such as lower bone and kidney toxicity risks. I feel like more information on the medicine that we take needs to be available to people living with HIV, especially as more of us live longer fuller lives.

At my last appointment I was made aware that Matthew 25 has a patient portal . This allows me to login and see; upcoming appointments, Recent lab orders, Medications, diagnoses and more
“Matthew 25 Patient Portal is a HealthCare Support Portal facilitates better communication with your physician’s office by providing convenient 24 x 7 access.” This also eliminates the paper version I used to get at the end of every visit. They even have a handy app.

 

THE PERFECT MIXTAPE

Twenty songs. That’s all this is. But damn if twenty songs isn’t the hardest thing to narrow down when coming up with what I like to call “the perfect mixtape.”
A few years ago, I crafted a Spotify playlist with this exact name. I keep twenty songs on it. Now, they change frequently. I keep certain songs in rotation and tracks come and go, but there are a few which always hold steady and never leave the list.
And now, I share this list with you.

*cracks knuckles*

You ready for it? 

1. Elbow – “Powder Blue.” I blame this song on Bob. If you’re reading this, you know who you are. Bob first put an old copy of this cd (when cds were, you know, still a thing) in my hand and said, “You must. You simply must.” I did and I never looked back. I feel like there has to be an anecdote that I should share with you, but there just fucking isn’t. It’s just a great song with weird lyrics and haunting melodies, so… whatever. *shrugs shoulders*
2. Bjork – “Bachelorette.” If I am in the car and this comes on… well, fuck. You may as well put me in a goddamned swan dress and call it a day. It’s over and everyone within a five-mile radius knows.
3. The Czars – “Paint the Moon.” I feel like if you don’t know who John Grant is and you call yourself a member of the LGBT community, you should probably go ahead and give yourself a good old-fashioned punch to the throat. He is a poet—plain and simple.
4. Tears For Fears – “Head Over Heels.” This song reminds me of growing up. Like making out and fucking around. I never get tired of it… like EVER.
5. She Wants Revenge – “Tear You Apart.” When I first heard this song, I nearly shat myself. Shat? Shit? Regardless, they are a throwback to every band I loved in high school reincarnated into some gothy fucking amazing synth angsty sex-slicked hands-down-the-pants outfit that I definitely wanted to know more about.
6. Thompson Twins – “If You Were Here.” Okay, so maybe I’m going to date myself here, but there’s this scene where Samantha comes out of the church in Sixteen Candles and Jake is there—fucking Jake, am I right?—and he’s got this sweater vest and these jeans and the boots that are like dipped in minwax or whatever… and he gives her this wave, right? Jake fucking Ryan. And this song is playing in the background. And he’s saying, ‘hey, like, um, do you want to get in the car?’ or whatever and she’s looking around like a fucking twat… ‘who, me?’ and he finally wrangles her in there and then basically he makes her the birthday cake and she loses her virginity (or whatever—she does in my mind)… all with this track playing in the back.
7. Britney Spears – “Piece of Me.” Because, you know, reasons.
8. Beck – “Ramona.” So, in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Scott writes a love ballad. The words are simple. “Ramona. Raaaaa-mooooo-nnnnnaaaaa. Ramooooonnnnna.” But, clearly, when the ACTUAL soundtrack came out, Beck cleaned it up a bit and may have added a few more words. I loved the original (with one simple word), but Beck’s version makes me suck in a few breaths and close my eyes.
9. Depeche Mode – “Halo.” There are fifteen-hundred Depeche Mode songs. Okay, maybe not fifteen-hundred, but you get the idea. Why this one? This one makes my pants tight. I don’t know how to describe it any other way. #sorrynotsorry
10. La Roux – “As If By Magic.” I don’t know, man. I just like it. It’s been on the list for a long time and hasn’t come off. And I never skip it when it comes on. NEVER
11. Arcade Fire – “Crown of Love.” This is the most romantic song ever written. Stalkery, yes. Borderline nuts? Um… yeah, sure, but I write. Everything I write is borderline nuts. And yeah, if you weren’t passionate about stuff/people, no one would want to read what you had to say. “Crown of Love” is a love letter. A scary one, yeah, but fuck it. You only live once.
12. Arctic Monkeys – “No 1 Party Anthem.” Alex Turner is the sexiest motherfucker on the planet. I don’t care if you disagree with me. If you do, you’d be wrong. This song sounds retro as fuck and awesome, almost as if he wrote it for some bird in nineteen-fifty-five. The way he sings is straight from the balls—hot and wet and unapologetic.
13. Arctic Monkeys – “The Bakery.” Um… see above.
14. Portugal. The Man – “Mr. Lonely.” This is one of those new tracks that has made its way onto the scene. It reminds me of an old genre mashed with a new one. Like ‘90s trip-hop meets new indie. It’s like a mix of Beastie Boys meets Portishead meets ruby meets Tricky. A new wet audio dream.
15. Lana Del Rey – “High by the Beach.” Yeah, it’s a floppy-hat girl-gets-high song, but it’s a really good one. Like a really good one. Close your eyes and just let all of your predisposed notions about her dumb ass go right out the window.
16. Chairlift – “Ch-Ching.” The chorus to this track is just fun. It just is. Actually, this whole song is fun as fuck.
17. Talk Talk – “Life’s What You Make It.” This song is older than balls. Well, hell, I don’t know how old it is, but I was young when it was out. But it was fucking great. And it’s still great. It’s the kind of song that you listen to with the windows down. Now get off my lawn, you whippersnappers.
18. Lupe Fiasco – “Kick, Push.” This track has been off and on and few times, but it’s back on this month. If you listen, you’ll understand why. It is literally about skateboarding. I mean, it’s an entire song about… skateboarding, but there’s also something else that I can never put my finger on. A struggle? Happiness? Youth? Whatever it’s about, I love it.
19. Lady Gaga – “Telephone.” Don’t… just don’t judge me. I’m not one of those monsters or whatever. I just like this one in, like, an uncomfortable way.
20. Purity Ring – “Begin Again.” Saving the best for last. I could listen to this song every fucking minute of every day. Okay, maybe not every minute, but I’ll put it to you this way. If I made a movie, I would use it in the opening credits. How’s that?

Time to put together your mixtape. Or what the fuck… just cheat and use mine.
XOXO.

Charlie.

Charlie Winters is the best selling author of several gay romance novels. Winters is the winner of the Silver RCA (Readers Choice) at the Sinfully MM Book Review Awards in 2015 and has been featured in the Washington Blade 10 ten “Summer books to read. ” Winters’ latest novel “Aki&Jamie” can be found be found in both hard copy and digital formats on Amazon and Kindle.