So, yesterday, I’m minding my own fucking business when my friend Tony sends me a link. Seems innocent enough, so I open it up. It is from the website diffuser.fm and is entitled, “Depeche Mode Albums Ranked in Order of Awesomeness.”
Okay. Already, my hackles have risen because I know somehow I’m going to be pissed off. I mean, I was enjoying a perfectly good cup of coffee and ignoring work altogether by focusing on my Facebook threads or whatever it is that I do between eight and nine am. But now… well, fuck. Now, I had to focus on THIS.
So, the list starts off backward, first of all, with number 15. I can’t… I just… I don’t understand a countdown that starts off in the wrong direction. I understand what they are doing, you know? Trying to do the classic “build-up” to the grand finale or whatever the fuck, but now you’ve just made me angry. Of course, now I’m frantically flipping through the goddamned thumbnails to see what they’ve listed as the number one album “ranked in order of awesomeness.”
And thank God, they’ve at least got that right. They pick Violator.
Aaaand… that’s where it stops.
You see, Violator is the best record that Depeche Mode has ever made. Of course, this is also just my opinion. You are welcome to say fuck off and go back to whatever Sudoku puzzle it is that you were struggling with, but it’s a solid album and I’m sticking by my choice. As a matter of fact, “Halo” is my favorite DM track and therefore wins based on that fact alone. Funny thing is, some of Depeche Mode’s biggest hits came from that record and coincidentally are some of my least favorite songs, but… I’ll still stand behind that record as being the strongest… and we move on.
This is where it gets sticky.
And where the title of my latest blogpost comes into play.
What the fuck, Diffuser?
Playing the Angel? Okay… deep breaths. But, alright… um, we are choosing Playing the Angel as your number two choice? Breathing, breathing. “A Pain That I’m Used To” is a decent track. Uh… “John the Revelator” is good. “Suffer Well” is even pretty great, but… listen, okay? These are all good. But number fucking two? Come on, man. You are REACHING with your little ‘has a wobbly uncertainty that keeps the listener wondering…’ wah wah wah, go fuck yourself.
Whoa. Okay. I need a sip of some soda. And maybe the good stuff… with like real sugar and shit.
Their third choice is Songs of Faith and Devotion. Uh… alright. Well, it may not have been my number three, but maybe a solid number four? So, alright. I’m not completely upset. This record at least has some fuckable moments. What I mean by that is that it’s on the fuckworthy chart of fuckable albums. Take Music for the Masses, for instance. Well, there are like at least twenty lose-your-virginity moments. Therefore, you put that record in the top five of DM records. There is a reason that Dave Gahan was chosen as their lead singer; it was not for his ability to grow a goatee. It was because he makes songs that kind of make you want to take your pants off… like FAST. Songs of Faith and Devotion has a few tracks that made me rethink PVC pants in the early 90s—that’s all.
Number four? Okay, here we go. Music for the Masses. Now, I would have bumped this one up to number three, but… it’s not MY list. Number four is manageable. I’ve forgiven you with a quick handy, Diffuser.
And then, well… here’s where I think. Maybe they really think this is a top five record, and Lord KNOWS I’ve listened to it a lot, so I really can’t be upset, so… here goes. Some Great Reward. That’s their number five. I’ve listened to it (and namely “Somebody”) more times than I care to admit, but I don’t know. I’m not mad, per se, but I still feel a little bitten by their number two. Am I just holding on to bitterness from their earlier choice? Maybe so. You know what, I’ll let this one go because “Blasphemous Rumors” is a great fucking song and even if this is kind of a singles record, I’ll let it go. Painfully.
Their number six is solid, although here’s the fucking deal. My number two would have been Black Celebration aaaaaand we have yet to see it on this goddamned list. Now, their number six is Ultra, which might have been my number six too, but we would have had to kick out some of these other cocksucking motherfu… okay, and I’m breathing again. Regardless, deep breath, number six… Ultra.
Okay. Their number seven. Black Celebration. Clearly, this list was made by a fucking amateur. Number two, rookie!
Exciter. I think I’ve listened to this like four times. Depeche Mode fans don’t even remember this album. Okay, maybe I’m wrong, but it’s the one that all of us bought, but it just takes up space in the catalog just to fill it out and make sure that it’s complete. I mean, you can’t just STOP buying the records because one of them sucks a sticky ball sac, can you?
Aaaand then the new one. Spirit. I’ve got to say. I kind of hate this one. And I’m a diehard fan. Been a fan for as long as I can remember. Wore a DM shirt in my seventh grade school photo along with the Martin Gore hair flip to match. But, had they made this record in 1984 instead of 2017, I would have worn a U2 shirt instead. Fuck this record and the weirdest song they’ve ever made. Don’t trust me? Go listen to it. It’s called “Fail.” I wonder if at some point, Martin will tell Dave, “I have this great idea for a song… AND I want to do the vocals,” and Dave says back, “No, Martin, I think it’s time I tell you that it’s over. Your run is done.” So far, Dave hasn’t had the balls. And we are ALL suffering for it.
After this, it’s just a bunch of the old ones. Basically, Speak/Spell, Broken Frame, Construction Time, yada yada, with a few crappy new ones thrown in for good measure… you know… the new ones that no one can suffer through (Delta Machine/ Sounds Universe).
If it were my list (and it’s not), it would have gone a little something like this:
Violator, Celebration, Masses, Faith/Devotion, and… alright, looking back, I’ll go with their number five, SGR.
All in all, Diffuser, you did alright at the end, but I feel like I kind of wanted to unfriend you for a while there with that whole PTA thing. I will give you one thing. “Precious” is kind of bad ass. Maybe we can be friends on the weekends, as long as we keep it on the down low.
Charlie Winters is a best selling author of gay fiction from Indianapolis and you can find his latest book “Aki & Jamie” at Amazon.com and the Kindle store.